It’s been a rough year. This February marks one year since I lost my brother, and up until now, I didn’t realize that I also lost a small piece of myself.
Though I tried to carry on, I have been somewhat dis-interested and disconnected but I couldn’t put my finger on it.
Any loss immediately triggers a search – we can turn a house upside down hunting for a lottery ticket, tax forms or car keys. But I wasn’t missing an item, I was missing an understanding of what I was feeling. I could run down a check list. Yes, I am sad. Yes, I miss him. Yes, I wish he were here. All of which is perfectly understandable, especially during birthdays, holidays, family reunions and special occasions. But I still couldn’t explain the void I was feeling.
And then it dawned on me, who I was when I was with him; the kid sister seeking advice; the not-so-innocent by-stander pretending not to be in on his pranks; an audience to his stories; a cheering fan to his three-pointer basketball shots; the amateur pool player learning how he angled his cue ball; the eager student listening to his latest business venture; the one who always encouraged his ambitions; a bouncing board to his views; the catcher to his frustrated umpire rant “stop pulling the ball,” he had difficulty calling balls and strikes when I played Catcher; the proud on-looker watching him interact with his son; and the sympathizer to his woes; no longer exists.
We are many things to many people; brother; sister; mother; father; daughter; son; spouse; cousin; uncle; aunt; grandparent; grandchild; friend; neighbour; co-worker; student; mentor; most of which we unintentionally take for granted. But every single one-on-one relationship we have is unique, and when that relationship no longer exists, who we uniquely were with that person disappears.
If you have recently experienced a loss and are seeking answers from within, be patient and kind to yourself, and remember, you are not alone, we are all a puzzle with missing pieces.
~ I hope this inspires you
Barb's Blog 